When will pompous professors learn to stop dragging their
students out to monster-ridden islands in the middle of nowhere? 13 Eerie is
another one of those. He’s a professor of criminology, in this case, and he’s
staged a series of real corpses around an island with fabricated forensic
evidence. Just happens this island was a
prison where human experiments were conducted. That wouldn’t normally be a
problem. Might even add atmosphere. Except the experimenters decided to leave their horrible black goo in a poorly-sealed Sunny D jug on the edge of the only useable table within a mile. So when the stuff is swiftly spilled by the bumbling bus driver, only
one thing can happen: mutant, undead prisoner attack!
I toured to this scenic locale because it stars the peculiar
and talented Katharine Isabelle. Katharine is a real trouper. She’ll take any
script thrown at her. Something brilliant like American Mary (2012) or Ginger Snaps (2000).
And she absolutely masters both of those movies: her performance is the real
set piece of American Mary and it’s riveting. Or she’ll take secondary roles in
movies like Ogre (2008) and Hard Ride to Hell (2010), where the script may have been written
by a monkey high on Cap’N Crunch. Even in those movies, her unusual cadences
that range from shrill to detached aloofness in the same sentence make her
stand out as more interesting than most of what’s happening around her, whether
it be a CGI rock troll or Miguel Ferrer as a demonic biker. She seems to devote
time and thought into every absurd line she’s fed in these movies, to put in a
serious performance in every ridiculous scene. At the same time, she always seems at an ironic distance
from the subject, as if she’s watching the movie with us and making sardonic
comments. I don’t get her. But I like her. That’s the enigmatic art of
Katharine Isabelle. Now if only we can convince her to do nudity.
In 13 Eerie, Isabelle is probably at the most subdued I’ve
ever seen her. Probably because she’s saddled with the stalwart role of the ‘final
girl.’ She’s the top student in professor A-Hole’s class and doesn’t take
kindly to being interrupted by mutant prisoners. Even when her lab partner is
having a panic attack that there are zombies on the loose, she just wants to
gather forensic evidence and get her A+. Not gonna happen.
The zombies look like alligatormen in orange jump suits.
Other than that, they’re just zombies. They crash through walls, grab humans,
and begin eating. 13 Eerie is gung-ho about the gore, with some Fulci-throwback
slow-eating scenes. I personally find that kind of zombie carnage irritating. Seeing and hearing people eat is unpleasant on the best of occasions.
Good thing they’re getting shot in the head by Isabelle and Brenden Fehr.
There are very few surprises in this movie. The locale is a very monotonous series of cabins and greenery. The character interactions are either panic, forensic piddling, or arguing with the a-hole professor. The monsters do exactly what you’d expect. They fuck with the best and die like the rest. Survivors go home, mom bakes them a pie—probably. The whole forensics thing has no relevance other than getting them to the island. The best part of the movie is Katharine Isabelle, and even she’s hampered.
0 comments:
Post a Comment