Notes from the Turkeyground: All the Turkey's a Stage

For the first time since I started writing these Notes from the Turkeyground four years ago, we're doing something different. The Turkey Challenge, to inform those not in-the-know, is an annual competition in which visitors of the IMDb Horror Board can watch horror movies rated below 5.0 and gain points based on their score. In previous years, additional points were earned by watching multiple 'turkeys' by a single director, five points for every three, or "trifecta." This was very successful and led to a lot of fantastic discoveries. This year, we've opened the doors to earning points from watching multiple turkeys, trifectas again, with a single actor. And I am very pleased with the results.

There are two kinds of actors who appear in multiple 'turkeys,' generally. Those that do b-movies as a rule. Actors like Tony Todd, Jeffrey Combs, Michael Ironside, Tiffany Shepis, Debbie Rochon, Linnea Quigley--they're all committed to the b-movie industry. Maybe they have or had dreams of making it big, but they seem content to stay in the world of horror conventions, gratuitous nudity, artificial blood and guts, and monsters. And we love them for it. The others are the actors who had already made it into the upper echelons and, for whatever reason, ended up with little A-list work. They took to b-movies to ply their trade and pay their bills.

My wife and I decided to start our challenge with some of the latter, Corin Nemec and Eric Roberts (no relation). Y'know, we often take our less successful actors for granted. We find it funny or ridiculous to see C. Thomas Howell in cheap b-movie after cheap b-movie, Eric Roberts in made-for-SyFy movies, and the same for Corin Nemec, Michael Madsen, Casper van Dien, Sean Patrick Flannery, amongst others. I'm sure these actors are not where they wanted or expected to be in their careers. They've either made bad choices in life or in agents and have found it harder to grasp roles in A-list movies. Or it may simply have happened with no particular reason standing out.

The thing we forget is that these actors really are professionals. The screenplays they're given are not always fantastic, the dialogue often foolish, their screen partners are bimbos and CGI monsters--but they're pros and they're often really good at what they do. They try to make these silly lines and roles work, and they often succeed. They take the time to put in an actual performance. They don't just draw in a crowd from name recognition. They actually do elevate these movies with their talents and professionalism.

First up was Endangered Species (2003), a fantastic blend of cop action, sci-fi, comedy, and horror. Of course, it's written and directed by one of the greatest b-movie directors of all time, Kevin Tenney. That helps. It also stars Eric Roberts in a role where he can shine--the kind of role with lots of snide remarks and glib comraderie. Arnold Vosloo and John Rhys Davies only add to the entertainment. A movie of sweet tatas, lots of alien killin', explosions, car chases, and tons of Tenney's jokes. This is how the Turkey Challenge is meant to start and what it's all about. Finding movies like this.

The Eric Roberts trifecta took us through Self-Storage (2013), another highly-enjoyable independent movie, starring and directed by Tom DeNucci. This one is about a stoner loser who lives and works at a self-storage facility. On his last day, he throws a party and stumbles upon his boss's more nefarious activities. Roberts is always a great, sleazy villain, because he's just so glib. He's the cold, always bemused villain. This is one of those b-movies that offers the sex, tits, and blood, but tries to have heart and romance. Sean of the Dead influenced, I guess. Then came Camp Dread (2014), an even more independent and lower-budgeted movie. Eric Roberts plays the director of some thinly disguised Sleepaway Camp movies and decides to resurrect it for a new generation using an actual camp for juvenile delinquents. Soon the kids are really getting murdered. The plotting and pacing of this movie is dead-on, showing a lot of control. I was impressed. Eric Roberts makes his wacky character work very well, putting real conviction behind some lines that just shouldn't be convince at all. It was fun just to see him at work, not just putting in a five minute cameo, like Danielle Harris does in this movie.

Corin Nemec's movies were a little more sedate. We'd enjoyed Nemec's Sand Sharks (2011) last year. Jurassic Attack (2013) was a phoned-in five-minute role with little real connection with the rest of the plot. The movie itself, however, wasn't too bad. A more exploitative approach to The Lost World involving submachine guns, CGI, and gore. Sea Beast (2008) and RoboCroc (2013) had a lot more Nemec, but he wasn't up to his goofy self. He was the responsible, hero dad in Sea Beast, fighting off amphibious monsters intent on killing his slutty daughter. RoboCroc was the best of the three, giving Nemec room to be more of a weirdo. It's what he's good at. Dee Wallace also shows up as the evil scientist. Scientists are always bad news in these movies. Her nanoprobes make a good croc go real bad. No tits or outstanding gore to remark upon, just some good monster movie fun.

We then moved onto a b-movie master, one Mr. Tony Todd. We started with Jack the Reaper (2011), because it was on Netflix. I wasn't expecting much from this. A bunch of misfit teens go into the desert and find a mysterious amusement park. Anyone with half a brain already knows this is a Reeker (2005) rip-off. But so what? I kinda like the character interactions. While nothing original, it is handled well enough to be quite fun. Tony Todd wasn't in it enough, but he was his usual, intimidating self for the four minutes he's there.

The next Todd movie was a much better hit. Dark Reel (2008), an underrated picture by Josh Eisenstadt, starring Edward Furlong and Tiffany Shepis. Just an average horror fan and nice guy, Furlong wins a competition for a non-speaking part in his favorite scream queen, Shepis, latest epic. As he arrives, someone decides to start killing everyone involved in the cheap pirate movie. Tony Todd gets one of my favorite Todd roles ever as the neurotic detective who suspects Furlong. I'd never thought of Todd as a comedy actor, but I haven't enjoyed him this much since Night of the Living Dead (1990). Very well written and shot better than most Hollywood movies, Dark Reel should be seen.

The Todd trifecta ended on a lame, British note, the found footage movie Dead of Nite [sic] (2013). Todd plays the proprietor of a supposedly haunted house. Some loser ghost hunters go in with their cameras and die. A waste of time and Todd.

On my own, I decided to indulge in the gift that keeps on giving that is Michelle Bauer. Of all the Big Three scream queens from the '80s, Bauer was probably the most talented overall. Linnea was the cutest, Brinke had the best body and that raven hair, but Bauer could act--and do comedy! She was also the wildest, having done hardcore. I watched my favorite Bauer films: Beverly Hills Vamp (1989), which has become one of my all time favorite movies and probably my top cheer-up movie; The Phantom Empire (1984), where she's the always nearly-naked 'cave bunny'; Evil Toons (1992), where she gets a brief cameo as Dick Miller's dildo-loving wife; Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-Rama (1988), Witch Academy (1994), oh my! I also got some new Bauer movies under my belt, namely the zonked-out bigfoot epic, Demonwarp (1988). Vampire Vixens from Venus (1995), a movie with all of the right content and somehow just falls short of the mark--the tits, monsters, and comedy is there, but it feels wrong. And Gingerdead Man 2 (2008), a worthy entry in the annals of really weird sequels--right up there with Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986) and Return to Salem's Lot (1994). Bauer appears to have had some implants in Gingerdead Man 2, but she never popped 'em out, so who can say? (If you're reading, Michelle, help me out here.)

A few more memorable experiences came from our late-in-the-month Karen Black trifecta. She was her busty, seductive self as the vampiress in the unique vampire movie, Children of the Night (1991), an unjustly forgotten movie from Fangoria back when Fangoria was still relevant. She was the TV-obsessed old lady in Ooga Booga (2013), a Full Moon killer puppet movie (it's about all Full Moon does anymore) we liked enough to rewatch. I forgot there was a huge-hootered skank in this movie, apparently played by porn star Siri. Worth watching for them melons alone. But the movie that made me miss Karen Black most was Auntie Lee's Meat Pies (1992), a crazy backwoods cannibal movie in the vein of TCM and Spider Baby, except this one has tons of sexy, big-titted girls in skimpy clothing. Auntie Lee's nieces may be worth getting cannibalized over. Also stars Mr. Miyagi.

We spent some time with our pal, Sid Haig. Night of the Living Dead 3D (2006) was nowhere near as bad as we were lead to believe. Not a remake at all, but a case of life imitating art, with a flair of modernization, humor, and some zombie titties, I thought this movie was a lot of fun. Haig was also in the NotLD-themed Mimesis (2011), another, more logical, case of life imitating art, that was another good time. Never accept a random slut's invitation at a horror convention--moral of that story. Finally, Haig's most expansive role was as the amicable shopkeeper in the Louisianan monster movie, Creature (2011), a perverse tale of incest, backwoods rituals, bunch-of-douchebags-in-the-woods, and horny monsters. I loved it. Far from flawless, but it's everything a movie called Creature should be.

We also followed Rutger Hauer through Argento's Dracula (2012), which was sexier and better than I expected, thanks to Miriam Giovanelli. And Kretschman actually makes a pretty good Dracula. But what was with the giant insect? I don't get it. Then through Dead Tone (2007), half fun slasher-movie, half anti-prank call public service announcement. The more you know. Finally, the British ripoff of graphic novel Preacher, The Reverend (2011). The best way to clean up a sleazy town filled with thugs and prostitutes? Anglican vampires. This was a surprisingly fun movie, like Walking Tall with more vampires and busty prostitutes.

We decided to end the challenge with a series, going through the Killjoy trilogy from Fullmoon. Like a turkey itself, we began with the dark meat of the first Killjoy (2000) and ended with the white meat of the third. Because the first Killjoy has an all-Black cast. A cheap film with limited inventiveness, it still manages to have some moments, as the evil clown takes revenge for a nerd's demise. The second and worst of the series, inventively titled Killjoy 2 (2002), has mostly Black teens in the woods with Debbie Rochon and a blond, hillbilly racist. Killjoy is elaborated as a revenge demon in this movie. They run with it in Killjoy 3 (2010), where Killjoy's mythology is described at length. This is probably the best movie in the series, just because it's the most inventive with the kills and has some decent writing. Strangely, there's only one Black cast member.

So that was our Turkey Challenge for 2014. We got to spend time with some old friends, like Tony Todd and Karen Black, meet some new friends like Tifany Shepis and Tom DeNucci. I learned a little more about some of them, got to appreciate them more for what they do. Best of all, I found a lot of great movies I'd never seen and rewatched some old favorites. The lowest point, Marina Monster (2008), at least was worth laughing at. A successful challenge, but we're full for now. We gorged ourselves on turkey again, and can't wait to do it again next year.