Darkness Surrounds Roberta (2008) - 1/4

Darkness Surrounds Roberta is a giallo/homage to the gialli of the '70s and '80s, but drawing as its main influence Argento's oeuvre from Stendhal Syndrome onward. As such, it embraces a lot of what's wrong with Argento's latest films: unlikable characters, totally unlikable troubled women who manage to be both ice queens and sluts, a stodgy plot based around the troubled bitch no-one does or should care about, and Italian actors speaking heavily accented English.

The titular Roberta is a woman who married a rich social climber, has an obsession with drawing some odd drawings, whores herself out in order to steal jewelry on the side (for the thrill, I guess), and was once raped by two men she was using as models for her drawings. She's not an interesting, good, or likable person, but we're supposed to care that she's in trouble and someone's messing with her mind, someone who has photos of her after a theft, someone who has been committing murders all over town.

This film is supposed to be an homage to gialli of a bygone age and in some ways it is, insofar as 'homage' is inept attempt to copy. Sort of like a Star Wars fan film bears resemblance to the original. The labyrinthine plotting and cracked psychology of the killer is done well, but the filmmaker doesn't know gialli well enough: we need amateur detectives, not proper homicide detectives; and we need setpieces, not repetitive stabbing of a pillow filled with blood capsules (yep, that's the brilliant work of make-up effects artist Timo Rose--the same thing Nick Millard does in his movies). What's taken the place of setpieces are actually some softcore sex scenes. Very softcore. I don't even remember seeing a nipple. However, there are a lot of sex scenes, most of them doggy style.

Out of the repugnant characters, I supposed the blind homicide detective is the closest to likable. He starts off annoying, because every other line references his blindness--it's a belabored point, to put it lightly--but he seems like a decent person, like Kyle MacLachlan in Twin Peaks. Roberta is probably the worst of the characters, along with her husband. She's supposed to earn most of our interest, but she's irritating, shallow, and unpleasant.

The terrible dialogue and it's even worse delivery adds another layer to an already difficult-to-enjoy film. The terrible dialogue never ceases, either. The big, giallo climax, where the killer reveals her/himself and her/his motives is usually a bit chatty, but in Roberta it's a real talk-fest, with the killer explaining everything in meticulous detail, all the while posing for the camera, knife in hand. Maybe that's intention? At one point Roberta looks in to the camera and says 'Shh!' Maybe the film is working at levels way beyond me.

Or maybe it's as bad as I think it is. Darkness Surrounds Roberta is for giallo die-hards only, because it doesn't have a lot to offer. The filmmaker is trying too hard to imitate a genre he doesn't quite comprehend and the result is pretty much what you'd expect: a big miss.

Bonus points:
To the blind guy for saying, "Sandro, poke around in the trash!"
Nose-stabbing action