Hemlock Grove (2013) - 2.5/4

Hemlock Grove is yet another werewolf-and-vampire-based series, this one peculiar in being produced exclusively for Netflix. The directorial talent featured is primarily Eli Roth (Hostel) and Deran Sarafian (Interzone), two directors I like very much. That bodes well. But with TV or web series, it's not the direction so much as the writing that matters. In Hemlock Grove's case, the very promising content is consistently weakened by its sloppy writing.

Hemlock Grove is the titular small town where some girls are getting murdered by a mysterious animal that eats their genitals, chews them in half, and leaves their parts around town. Just before this starts happening, a gypsy boy and his mom, clearly werewolves of some sort, move to town arousing old enmity with the town's rich-folk, the Godfreys. The Godfreys, for their part, are clearly vampires of some sort and owners of a mysterious medical facility where god-knows-what experiments take place. Over the course of the episodes, these families draw together somewhat against a mutual enemy. Who could it be?

The plot and style of Hemlock Grove perhaps bares some superficial comparison to Twin Peaks. You have an ordinary town in which some murders begin to occur and the oddness of these people become manifest. HG is nowhere near is skillful as TP, however. Rather than slowly drawing us into the mysteries of these people, like you get in Twin Peaks, our face is rubbed into their perversion or oddness in the first episode. Flashbacks come fast and free early on, giving us full family histories. Content that should be meted out over several episodes is dropped wholesale upon us without mystery or intrigue.

The characters, for their part, prove far too mercurial. Some of them, like the Godfreys, begin so unpleasant in the first episode or two that their characters are essentially worthless for the plot. So the writers conveniently ignore all that was set up in the first episode to make them relatively affable people. This is particularly the case with one of the main characters, Roman Godfrey, the troubled badboy who becomes a sweetheart pal of gypsy Peter. Roman's mother, Olivia (Famke Janssen), probably the most heinous character in the series, suddenly becomes just as kind and compassionate. That's bad writing. They needed slow, careful development.

Even worse writing takes over in the final two or three episodes. A climax and resolution are necessary, but the writers have so written themselves into a corner that several uses of a deus ex machina are made to get out. Disappointments ensue as characters never reach the dramatic or ironic conclusions their development suggest--they just kind of evaporate.

The actors chosen are another problem. The veteran cast, namely Famke Janssen, Dougray Scott, and Lili Taylor are all fantastic, bringing to life characters that could have come across as very bland (Peter's mom) or belabored (Roman's mom). Kaniehtiio Horn as the perptually-in-hot-pants fortune-teller Destiny is the only young cast-member to hold her own with the elders. In terms of look and performance, Bill Skarsgard and Calvin-Klein-reject Landon Laboiron are just fine, their accents aside. But they lack chemistry that they really needed to make the buddy aspect of the series work. With the dialogue they had to work with, they aren't entirely to blame. But whomever we blame, without that sense of their fraternal connection, the emotional backbone of the series is an arthritic mess. Peter's and Roman's friendship is really the series core; it's too bad no-one making the series realized this.

These problems aside, there is a lot to like in Hemlock Grove for the horror fan. The werewolf transformation sequence is great. The various subplots introduce a multitude of oddities, from virgin births and mad scientists to intenstine-eating and glowing mutants. There are also some great gore effects. Some fun splashes of perversion. There are, moreover, far more questions than there are ever answers, which the final episode only makes worse. So, if you liked the series so far, there's probably more to come.

Priest (2011) - 2/4

About halfway through Priest it struck me that I was watching The Searchers with alien vampires instead of Comanches and ninja priests instead of cowboys. That's not to say it's as good, interesting, or morally complex as The Searchers--or even as a wrinkle in John Wayne's left one; it's just to say that the writer looked to the most moving western ever made for his narrative structure and then filled it with a lot of sci-fi cliches, like a dogmatically-ruled futuristic city, some specially-trained warriors, a rebellious antihero, slick CGI and slow-motion fight sequences.

Priest is about an old warrior teaming up with a young warrior, a sheriff, to recover his niece, held captive by a pack of vampires. If she's been infected, the old warrior will kill her. The young warrior is in love with her, however, and wants to prevent this turn of events.

So that's The Searchers part of it. Here's the scifi part. Vampires are these alien-like creatures, all teeth and no eyes, and priests are like superhuman ninjas trained to fight them--they kick ass for the lord, yes. Vampires are supposed to have been wiped out. That's what the cardinals are telling everyone. The 'old warrior', a middle-aged priest, wants to kill some vampires, but the cardinals have a problem with him heading out to kill things they claim don't exist.

(There's something curiously insightful about how religion works in that, reflecting somewhat how the Catholic Church--the obviously caricatured institution in Priest--dealt with figures like Galileo. The film's representation of a personal religion apart from an institutional one also shows a level of intellectual maturity not usually welcome in Hollywood. So often the hero in these films must divorce himself from all spirituality. In this film, a few tyrannical men have seized power in the Church; otherwise, religion can be a source of personal strength.)

Meanwhile, the vampires are using this opportunity to launch an attack on the city. Karl Urban plays his villain character very Disney-like throughout this sequence, reeking mayhem and taunting the protagonist whilst striking silhouette poses and flailing his arms to no less than a symphony.

The whole film is, in fact, like second-rate Disney, as morally flat and cartoonish as Aladdin 2: The Return of Jafar. It entertains while it hastens past areas needing more development, insults your intelligence, and leaves you with no concern for the destiny of its characters: you'd hardly believe the writers have seen The Searchers were it not for the obvious borrowing. Priest sadly contains a good many missed opportunities for something more; but sometimes you just have to enjoy your priest-on-alien action in a post-apocalyptic western setting for what it is.

Short Reviews for Nov. 22, 2010: Yuzna and Russo

This is a new feature on Lair of the Boyg. Because my reviews are usually so long and in-depth, I find I don't get to write about even a tenth of the films I'd like to write about. With a Short Reviews feature, I can provide lighter, free-form, more playful reviews that cover films I either can't or don't feel inclined to write about in depth.

Three Brian Yuzna Films:

Silent Night, Deadly Night 4 (1990) - 3.5/4

Sometimes you really do find a brilliant film buried in a sequel. Brian Yuzna's SNDN 4, for instance, subtitled 'The Initiation' is a Cronenbergian attempt to deal with the man-hating popular feminism of the '80s from a reasonable man's point of view. Borrowing ideas from the history of horror cinema, the film tells the story of an underappreciated but ambitious woman who takes a news story against her boss's wishes and finds herself sucked into the trap of a coven of witches. The film poses a lot of interesting questions about guilt, resentment, bigotry, religion, and oppression; and, gratefully, it doesn't really give answers.

Clint Howard. Inadequate, half-eaten hamburger. Giant, freaky centipede thing. Cockroaches everywhere. Abrasive, ambitious overachieving chick--everyone thinks she's a bitch and they're right. Her boyfriend thinks she's a fine piece of ass, and he's right. Giant cockroaches. Vomiting in the toilet. Spontaneous combustion. Lezzy, witchy bookstore owner--I've known a few of those. Rosemary's Baby-style coven. Fat naked guy with a nose-boner. Gratuitous violence to Clint Howard. Abdominal insect penetration. Insect-vomiting. Insect-crushing. Hideous adult birth scene. Resentful, man-hating women. Women who say, "But he's a man, what does his life matter?" Men who say, "Women belong in the kitchen!" Girls who say, "Get off of me! You're like a dog in heat!" Bad beer jokes. Lots of gooey stuff. Human sacrifice. The secretary from Moonlighting playing basically the same character. Body-morphing a la Videodrome. Flame-shooting arms. Combusting legs. Gratuitous violence to a bigot. They're burning Christmas. Judaism vs Christianity. Christianity vs Paganism. Apatheism wins. How quickly children forgive. And a little romance for the lady viewers.

Nekkid: 1/4
Gore: 2/4
Icky, gooey stuff: 4/4
Humour: 2.5/4 - come on, it's got Clint Howard.

Rottweiler (2004) - 2.5/4

Yuzna's killer dog film about an American in a European country who escapes prison and is pursued by the prison's cyborg dog. Probably the most ambitious killer dog film ever made. Not that the competition is fierce.

- Hero and dog are linked on some level, destined to destroy one another.
- The loss of the hero's girl and the robotic mechanism of the dog occurred together.
- The hero hallucinates the dog, making it a spectral sort of conscience, like Francis Thompson's Hound of Heaven. Jealousy, guilt, and guilt for jealousy.
- The chase itself is really just an excuse for a dark, even morbid picaresque romp involving thieves, drug dealers, whores, female rapists, flower-picking little girls, crazy industrialists, bounty hunters, and more.
- Symbolism of the fog as our fumbling toward a destiny we can't escape.
- Symbolism of the scorpion, the cruel sting of death we can't escape.
- Dystopian world with countries run by a crazy industrialist Paul Naschy.
- Privileged thrill-seekers trying to escape ennui by infiltrating forbidden nations, getting in over their heads. At least the ennui is gone.
- The game of infiltration: infiltrating the mind and soul.
- The progress of self-realization, as the hero flees the prison of ignorance and arrives on the open shores of understanding.
- The supernatural visions, omens, hallucinations that pervade the story like fog make the film more expressionistic than realistic.

Despite some of the silliness, cliche moments, stupid writing, and sometimes-CGI, sometimes-puppet, sometimes-real dog, Rottweiler is far better than any made-in-Spain evil-robot-dog-movie has any right to be.

Nekkid: 0/4 for dudes, 1.5/4 for the ladies
Gore: 2.5/4
People the dog kills for no good reason whatsoever: 8
Humour: 1.5/4

Beneath Still Waters (2005) - 2.5/4

Yuzna ever seems to be in Stuart Gordon's wake. First with the Re-Animator series, now with heading over to Spain and shooting a Lovecraftian evil town flick. Gordon made Dagon (2001) and Yuzna gives us Beneath Still Waters (2005). How does it stack up?

Screenwriting 101: deepen characters with tragic backstories; have the male and female confide their tragedies to one another in a moment that ends in a kiss; the tragic backstory must come back to haunt the hero in the climax. Monster left over from The Resurrected or Castle Freak. Very '90s feel here. Effeminate evil sorceror. Kid-killing. Kid-eating. Jaw-breaking. Tongue-eating (is that what he's doing?!). Evil book. Evil fire. Evil seaweed. Spooky flooded town. Chained up satanists. A-hole cop. Cute Spanish girl in bikini--is she legal or isn't she? is it right to wanna plough her or isn't it? Oh, her bimbo friend looks old enough, must be okay. But her mom is young and bangable too--what a conundrum. Botoxed-out reporter. Wet-suits a-plenty. Annoying kids a-plenty. Awkward melodramatic exits a-plenty. Awkward character exposition a-plenty. Frog. Two-headed deformity. Self-mutilation. Magic mutilation. Characters who sit around watching murders. Orgy time! Titties on cake! Cake on titties ("Frosted flakes")! Man-on-man dry humping! Spanking! Whipping! Attempted screwing! Riding! Stripping! Impromptu bondage! Pretty tame stuff from the guy who gave us Society. And a little romance for the lady viewers.

Nekkid: 1/4
Gore: 2.5/4
Number of times Marcia is pronounced Mar-SEE-uh: 8
Humour: 0.5/4

Three John A. Russo films:

John A. Russo, the other Night of the Living Dead guy--kind of the 'loser brother' to George A. Romero--has had an interesting and uneven film career. Let's have a look.

Midnight (1982) - 3/4

A girl runs away from home, hitchhikes with some dudes in a van, and becomes the captive of some backwoods Satanists. Will daddy come to the rescue in time?

Religious fanaticism. Drunken stepfather. Rapey stepfather. Rendered unconscious stepfather. Takin' to the road, 1960s roughie style--with one bag n' a gee-tar. Random sexual proposition. Nice guys in a van. Sensible black guy. Fun with shoplifting. Rejected chips!!!! Preacher with a long, boring story and a cute daughter. Good samaritanism. Campin' under the stars. Random racism. "White boy!" galore--that's more racism, isn't it? Yes, black racist. Fat, cackling hick--didn't Russo steal that from Just Before Dawn? Guy with tight, stuffed pants. Gratuitous frisbee game. Satanic rituals. Talkin' to dead mother. Girls in little dog cages--is it wrong I was turned on? Head removin'. Hippie shootin'. Girl slicin'. Preacher killin'. Hick shootin'. Body disposin'. Grocery stealin'. Christian prayin'. Hick burnin'. Hick clobberin'. Blood drinkin'. And a little romance for the lady viewers.

Kind of a summary of 1970s exploitation genres: Summa Exploitica.

Nekkid: Nein!
Gore: 2.5/4
Racists: 9
Humour: 1/4

Dark Craving (1991) - 3/4

A soft-spoken physician is burned as a vampire/witch for his experiments in curing diseases, helping people, not sleeping with his brother's slutty wife and similarly sinister activities. Centuries later he emerges from a landfill alive, well, naked, and a vampire with venomous saliva. He finds friends, enemies, romance, and despair in our strange, modern world.

Accusations of sorcery, like puss-drinkin'. Genteel vampire. Evil antique dealer. Naked guy emerges from a landfill. Not only is he a vampire, he's a no-good dirty Tory! Chat with a priest about fluid exchanges. Tom Savini weightlifting. Tom Savini shooting things. 1980s American thrash soundtrack. One of the most interesting explanations for vampirism I've ever heard: superstition and the accusations themselves have transformed an innocent, victimized man into the feared monster. Antique dealin'. Museum visitin'. Accidental little girl killin'. Bikini girl assaultin'. Saliva secretin'. Street thug killin'. Catholic confessin'. Inept vampirin'. Girl stalkin'. Vampire macin'. Vampire shootin'. Priest killin'. Needless backstory for police officer. Moon Unit. And a lot of romance for the lady viewers.

Nekkid: Just that vampire guy's ass.
Gore: 3/4 - Tom Savini
Useless information about minor characters: Lots.
Humour: 0.5/4

Santa Claws (1996) - 0.5/4

A boy murders his mother and her santa-suit-wearing fat boyfriend. The detective calls this "piss-poor behaviour", but the boy is allowed to roam free to become an adult and die-hard fan of scream queen Debbie Rochon (playing Brinke Stevens, basically). But who's gonna die hard? The men who are using, abusing, and trying to take away the lovely scream queen.

Debbie Rochon's titties. Camcorder cinematography a-plenty. Lots of hot girls showing titties and pussywillow. Milf titties. Hairy, old fat guy gropin' milf. Crazy scream queen fan. Lengthy discussion about what pathetic losers scream queen fans are. The glamorous life of a tittie photographer. Creepy neighbour no-one seems able to notice is extremely sketchy. Murder with tiny gardening hook that could barely pierce a half-inch of flesh. There is a santa costume at some point. Bitchy mother-in-law. Bitchy sister-in-law. Did you contact the divorce lawyer yet? Scream queens just get no respect. Makin' out with a mannequin. Nerd dream sequence. How many times are they gonna say Scream Queens' Naked Christmas? And a little romance for the lady viewers.

Nekkid: 2.5/4
Gore: 0.5/4
Times you think, "Russo should have known better": at least 50.
Humour: 0.5/4

A Classic: Thirst (1979) - n/r

Several vampire films made in the late Seventies and early Eighties challenged the tropes and conventions of the vampire film. The Gothicism of Hammer's vampire films, even the modernized and gleefully exploitational The Satanic Rites of Dracula (1973), had become too formulaic to continue affecting audiences. Polanski's Dance of the Vampires (1967), however critically derided, essentially put the stake in the heart of the Gothic vampire film. Al Adamson's Blood of Dracula's Castle (1969) with its comically effete Dracula continued the progress of Gothic vampire films into camp. The level of camp to which the Gothic vampire film had developed is exemplarized in the August Rieger-penned The Vampire Happening (1971). For better or worse it lives up to its tagline, "The Adult Vampire Sex Comedy!" Fleeing Gothicism and its supernaturalism, a new school of filmmakers, nearly all with recourse to science, brought realism to the vampire subgenre. Moctezuma's Mary, Mary, Bloody Mary (1975) depicts vampirism as a biological mutation causing the overdevelopment of blood vessels. The only way to keep the rapidly-expanding blood vessels filled is to drink blood. It's not good science, but it's a valiant effort. Vampirism is the result of a parasitic implant designed by medical science in David Cronenberg's Rabid (1977). Colin Wilson's novel Space Vampires (1976), adapted by Tobe Hooper as Lifeforce (1985), depicts vampires as energy-sucking extraterrestrials. Somewhat an epigone but still worthy of mention is Kathryn Bigelow's Near Dark (1987), in which vampirism can be cured via blood transfusion. The exception is George Romero's masterpiece Martin (1977). Romero employs neither science nor the supernatural, relishing the ambiguity of Martin's ontological status, hence refusing us any epistemological system that might yield solid answers. This makes Martin easily the most radically challenging of all these radical vampire films. Finally in the mid-Eighties when filmmakers began to integrate Gothic tropes into modern settings, a Hegelian synthesis of sorts, the best instance of which is probably Fright Night (1985), this period of the radical vampire film came to an end.

Thirst (1979) was created in the middle of this trend. In many ways Thirst is the most radical of them all, even more so than Martin. Thirst concerns a vampire society administration's efforts to convince the oblivious Kate Davis (Chantal Contouri) that she is truly a vampire. Kate is a normal, modern, and very successful woman. She owns a fashion design company. She sees a handsome architect exactly three times every week. Her life is organized on her own terms. We know all this because a vampire private investigator reports this information to his superiors, Drs. Fraser (David Hemmings) and Gauss (Henry Silva) and Mrs. Barker (Shirley Cameron). They believe Kate is descended from the noble vampire lineage of Countess Elizabeth Bathory. Without Kate's knowledge, they not only plan to bring her into their community, effectively ending the lifestyle she now enjoys, but have also arranged her marriage to another descendent of a noble vampire family (Max Phipps). As such, Thirst is structured more as a psychological drama than as a vampire film. The final question becomes not whether the vampires will be staked or whether they will bite her, but whether Kate will acquiesce to her vampiric destiny or whether she will assert her independence and humanity.

The way Kate becomes a political pawn within the vampire community is one of Thirst's most interesting and innovative features. Her conversion to vampirism becomes the Ace of Spades, so to speak, for the three administrators of the vampire community. Her noble lineage and arranged marriage implies favour with the noble families for whomever successfully accomplishes Kate's conversion. The vampires try various means to arouse in Kate 'the thirst'. In this sense, Thirst plays somewhat like Dracula's Daughter in reverse. Kate doesn't hear 'Dracula's call' or 'the thirst,' but others want to make her do so. Dr. Fraser is a sort of Toranaga, treating Kate kindly and with respect, trying to reason her into the community, all the while aware that she's the key to securing his position as director of the facility. Mrs. Barker, on the other hand, is a cruel and results-driven mad scientist, willing to use brainwashing techniques resembling those employed by the No. 2s of Patrick McGoohan's The Prisoner should Kate put up any resistance, in order to usurp Dr. Fraser's position.

Vampires traditionally have certain features that remain present even in most of the radical vampire films. Vampirism itself is nearly always taken to be an evil in the Augustinian sense of a negation: It sets the vampire against all that is considered good beyond the bare minimum of continued existence. While vampires can put on a veneer of civility for the sake of acquiring victims, as Bela Lugosi's Dracula does, the vampire within is ultimately a savage beast: it is without reason, civility, or love; it is appetitive, predatory, and profoundly alone. Dracula's Daughter (1936) explores this to some degree in that Countess Zaleska (Dracula's daughter) struggles to be a part of society, to find love, to resist the vampiric urges she refers to as 'Dracula's call'. She fails. This solitary and destructive quality of the vampire persists throughout Mary, Mary, Bloody Mary, which follows but modernizes the model of Dracula's Daughter, Rabid and even Martin. What makes Thirst so radical is that its vampires are reasonable, civilized people who live together on communes as well as all over the world in human society. The only prior instances of vampire civilization are in the camp films Dance of the Vampires and The Vampire Happening and, the sole serious instance, The Vampires' Night Orgy (1973). Thirst is the first film to realistically depict a vampire society, with internal, political struggles. They're ordinary people. So ordinary that they cease to be monsters. So ordinary that the question of staking them never arises as a potential resolution. So ordinary, in fact, that, should 'the thirst' not be aroused, they can go through life never even realizing they're vampires, raising the ontological question first raised in Martin as to whether they're vampires at all and not merely a secret society of deluded people.

The ontological ambiguity of the vampires in Thirst is a direct consequence of its science. Not only is Thirst the most radical of the radical vampire films, it is also the most radically scientific. Where Cronenberg's vampire in Rabid is an instance of benevolent medical science gone wrong, the vampires in Thirst are in some sense a construct of science that is sustained by scientific activity, not merely physically but even conceptually. In Laboratory Life: The Social Construction of Scientific Facts (1979) Bruno Latour and Steve Woolgar, based on time spent studying scientists as anthropologists would any culture, argue that scientific facts as basic as the existence of the electron are as socially-constructed as myths. The electron's existence was not observed, but began as a speculative statement in order to explain abstract data. The machinery that is constructed to measure the electron is already determined to recognize the facticity of the electron. That the machinery will work is thus already decided by the design of the machinery to yield results favourable to the existence of the electron. Yet the results of the machinery is taken to support the facticity of the electron. The fact of the electron is therefore created in the minds of the scientists and their instruments of measurement.

I don't care to defend the theories of Latour and Woolgar in real life instances. They do, however, enlighten the way science works in Thirst. The vampires have a vast system of highly-developed machinery predicated on the notion that these people are indeed vampires. Yet the whole machinery, social and technological, is taken to simultaneously prove they are vampires. The commune itself is referred to as a 'dairy' where blood is 'milked' by sophisticated equipment from 'blood cows,' also known as humans. The purpose of doing so is perhaps to eliminate the need for predatorial activity, but mostly, as is explicitly stated in the film, to do away with dangerous impurities in the consumption of blood. So the dairy is predicated upon vampirism and the main concept of vampirism, "the thirst." At the same time, the inferiority of these 'blood cows,' their docility and apparent contentment at serving in the commune, is taken to prove that the "vampires" are really a superior race and not just humans. As one character states, drinking blood is "the ultimate aristocratic act."

More importantly, the existence of the 'thirst' itself is dubious. Mrs. Barker employs a series of brainwashing techniques, or what she calls 'conditioning,' in order to arouse the thirst in Kate. That it takes Kate so long to realize she has the thirst is attributed to Kate's being strong-willed. When Kate finally begins to exhibit some signs of the thirst, the machinery is believed to have been effective in arousing the thirst. But isn't it a more reasonable interpretation that the thirst was merely created by extensive brainwashing as a result of highly-sophisticated equipment and systematic injections with a mollifying serum? Like the electron in Latour's theory, the thirst here seems to be a fact only within the minds of the vampires and in their instruments. One could just as easily adopt the alternative interpretation. It would be too costly for them to deny the existence of the thirst, however. The thirst is the central proof these people have of their vampirism and with the superiority that entitles them to be vampiric. They use sharpened dentures as they don't have fangs. Though their eyes appear to glow red, this may or may not be an effect of contact lenses. It's left unclear in the film. It is only the thirst the makes the vampirism and all its paraphernalia authentic. Their existence as vampires depends upon belief in the thirst. And the thirst's facticity appears to be socially-constructed. Consequently, the vampire is purely a scientific construct and upon the ambiguous facticity of that construct rests the ambiguity of the vampires' ontological status.

I discuss the science in Thirst at length not only to describe the tenuous reality of vampires in the film, but also because science is integral to the film's horror. It is in its radical way as much a mad scientist film as it is a vampire film. Pinkney's screenplay reflects the late-Seventies' paranoia over the dehumanizing aspects of sciences that demystify the biological and psychological aspects of humanity. In the scientific community of the vampires the only options are to lose one's humanity to vampirism or to adopt the bare minimum humanity of the blood cows. Perhaps it's not a coincidence that Kate is involved in fashion and her boyfriend is an architect. Both are involved in the arts and live fulfilled human lives, free lives. Under the gaze of the scientific community, they must be either vampire or blood cow. The scientific community orders everything rigidly, including genetics (arranged marriage), permitting only illusory freedom. The blood cows are not free to leave. So lacking in blood are they that they behave as though lobotomized. And the vampires are slaves to their own science: the thirst and the machinery. If horror films are nightmares that present us with the social and personal desires we repress, perhaps the horror of this scientific order is because we on some level desire it but have a still stronger desire to repress it, just as Kate as a capitalist in some sense desires to have her financial superiority biologically confirmed and yet fears such a visceral acknowledgment.

On another level, the whole film is structured as a way of 'breaking' a strong-willed, modern, independent woman. Thirst is, after all, Kate's nightmare. Her everyday life is subverted by intrusion from a patriarchal community. They have determined that she's valuable to them for her genetics, in other words, for her reproductive merits. Instead of being valued as a mind, she's valued as a womb. Her mind is manipulated cruelly to make her a willing womb. On the other hand, the males in the film are strangely effeminate and gentle, the women strong and results-driven. Kate's arranged husband is a bundle of nerves who requires brainwashing to get the strong Kate as his wife. Derek the architect sees Kate on her terms. In the vampire hierarchy, Dr. Fraser is gentle, albeit a commanding presence. Mrs. Barker, however, is assertive and dominating. There's no question, though, that Dr. Fraser is presented in a much more sympathetic light than Mrs. Barker. So perhaps Thirst is not just a nightmare of dehumanization, but a nightmare for female independence: a perversely cathartic vision of the rising female independence threatened of destruction by a highly intelligent male force. Since humanity and this independence are co-extensive terms in the nightmare of Thirst, this vision is at least treated as an equally perverse desire and one that is to be repressed.

Thirst is not the work of art that Martin is nor the philosohpical excursion Rabid is. It is an Australian exploitation film lifted by an efficient director (Rod Hardy), a daring producer of the Australian New Wave (Anthony I. Ginnane) and a strange and original script from one-timer John Pinkney into its unique radicalism. Both highly idiosyncratic and a product of its cultural and cinematic milieu, Thirst is in many ways the ultimate Seventies vampire film as well as one of the most original vampire films ever made.

Vampitheatre (2009) - 0.5/4

Interested by the 1.2/10 rating on imdb and the involvement of Linnea Quigley, I found and watched Christopher Forbes' Vampitheatre, oblivious to the fact that I was signing up to watch a series of music videos for a The Cure-style goth band linked together by an FBI investigation with no dramatic tension whatsoever.

The first five minutes is a very creepy and well-executed setpiece that shocked me. I had been watching the film at my desk; at that moment, I moved to a comfortable chair and turned off the lights, thinking, "This is going to be enjoyable!" I was wrong. The moment I discovered Vampitheatre was really a vehicle for a band called Theatre Peace, I realized there was going to be no staking, no garlic, no crosses, no holy water, and indeed there isn't. There is, however, plenty of music videos and concert footage of Theatre Peace.

The story, if you can call it that, concerns a goth band comprised of real vampires. As they get more attention thanks to being signed by a record label the FBI notices a trail of bodies. This is because the musicians are stupid enough to drain the blood of their few fans instead of the thousands upon thousands of other people in the city. The FBI investigation consists primarily in watching a DVD of their music videos, which we watch with her. There are also interviews with the band members and the manager. There are some tensions between the members, particularly the two lead singers (Christopher Forbes himself and some chick who looks like Tracey Ullman).

It's a very boring film, especially if you don't particularly like the music--and I don't. That's not to say it's bad music. You can tell this is a real band and not one made up for the movie because they're competent and know how to play together. I just don't like that sort of music. It's also very irritating to find that it's more or less a pitch for this Theater Peace band.

The only interesting parts are the few moments Linnea Quigley is on screen as the Queen of the Dead, covered in white grease paint and dubbed with a man's voice, and the beginning five minutes when Christopher Forbes asks a girl if he can kiss her neck--that was spooky. And there's one monologue I liked, "She sucked my dick then I was out cold and I woke up and I had sharp teeth and now play in her band but I don't pay her no attention." Uh-huh.

So if you spot Vampitheatre on the shelves or whatnot, miss it, unless you really like goth music videos. There's nothing wrong with the photography, the acting, or the music; it was all just in need of, oh I dunno, A MOVIE around it!

Assignment Terror (1970)

(AKA Los monstruos del terror)

Paul Naschy is one of the worst writers of dialogue in cinematic history, but he has the craziest ideas. In this film, Michael Rennie (in his final role) is an alien bodysnatcher with scientific powers of necromancy, who, with his cohorts, has taken control of some bodies that they might put into motion their plan to destroy all humans on earth and claim it for themselves. Klaatu's turned really nasty! But he has no choice; his own sun is dying and he hasn't yet discovered how to build an artificial sun. Nobody's perfect, eh?

So, what's his diabolical scheme? To use human superstition and passions against them by sending Universal monsters after them. But how is that superstition if the monsters really exist? No matter! He gets the Wolf Man, of course, Waldemar Daninsky. Frankenst... wait, wait, what? Franksalan's Monster. And a vampire and a mummy (with a 'stache). He controls all of them with his brain controlling SCIENCE. But science fails again, because the brain control isn't perfect and the human bodies begin exerting passions on the normally passionless aliens. "I feel this curious sensation," is alien for "love." Will human passions prove a stronger weapon than alien science? If every single episode of Star Trek: The Original Series is to be believed, of course it will.

DANINSKY: "Why are you helping me?"
BLONDIE: "I think...it's because... I'm a woman!"

Meanwhile the police department has its top detective on the job of bumbling around trying to figure out what's going on, going to bars and downing lots of vodka, and sleeping with pretty girls. Why does Naschy insist on having the police in his movies? They never do anything but show up at the very end.

Most of the time I have no idea what's going on in this movie. It's pretty confusing, with what seem to be important shots cut out. The monsters are not well-used. It's really only the alien villains who are interesting, and fortunately they are the focus of the film. It has a nice, poetic ending about human emotions and Rennie's defeat. It's not very significant, but it's charming. The film also gives Michael Rennie lots of screentime in his final role; by far he has the most screentime and he plays his heartless alien doctor to the evil hilt, torturing blond babes and sicking monsters on anyone who interferes with him, including his own people. Klaatu went out with a bang! (That's what she said.)

I must admit I was alternately bored and stupefied by the odd things put on screen. It's dopey, campy, European, jam-packed with zany ideas and monsters, nonsensical character decisions and emotions--women especially fall deeply in love at the drop of a hat in Naschy's mind--and dreadful dialogue; it's thoroughly Naschy, I guess.

Blood of Dracula's Castle (1969)

Glen Cannon, a photographer who looks remarkably like Jimmy Stewart, inherits a castle from his recently-deceased 108-year-old uncle and, to please his fiance and model Liz, decides to live in it. Just one problem: the current tenants are 300-year-old vampires who really don't want to leave.

That sounds like as typical a horror plot as one can get. So Adamson spruces it up some and boy does he spruce. John Carradine is the butler who worships a made-up sacrifice-demanding moon god, Luna. Mango is the 'caretaker of the girls,' a hulking, mentally impaired, deformed giant charged with feeding (and apparently shaving the legs of and applying make-up to) the women kept chained in the dungeon for vampire nourishment. Johnny is a psychopath they've busted out of prison, who must kill during the full moon, or any time he feels like it.

I have to be honest: I was entertained. Al Adamson made a film that entertains me. It's witty, moves along at a decent pace, has quite a few excellent and amusing set-pieces, especially at the end. The battles with Mango and John Carradine are great, involving a whip, a ball-and-chain, an axe, a gun, fire, and a seaside cliff.

The characters are well-delineated enough to stand out as individuals, with the campy vampire couple especially stealing the scenes they're in. Somehow Adamson manages to find some fine-looking ladies to populate his film-world, too. Too bad they keep their clothes on.

Perhaps it's the present of co-director Jean Hewitt to which the film's quality is owned, but I can recommend this film for anyone with a taste for lightly tongue-in-cheek American Gothic. Of course, this is still Al Adamson, so don't expect either blood or Dracula--just the castle.

Horror of the Blood Monsters (1970)

Ground control, which consists entirely of a middle-aged married couple, is having FutureSex using their OrgasmoTron computer: "Sometimes I miss making love the old way," says hubby. Meanwhile, John Carradine is in a spaceship in another solar system that had to land on an Earth-like planet to make repairs. He can't leave the spaceship because he has heart problems (i.e. because Al Adamson couldn't afford him for another day of shooting). His crew, in the meantime, are outside of the spaceship running from dinosaurs, lobstermen, bat-ape hybrids and a tribe of vampiric snakepeople who are waging war with a tribe of primitive humans.

How can a movie so utterly jam-packed with stuff be so boring? I thought it was my fault. I thought, "I must just not be in the mood, because there are lobstermen, dinosaurs, sexy tribal girls, and an orgasm-computer and that all should equal a really entertaining movie." It should. But it doesn't. I'm at a loss to explain it, but I think it has something to do with Al Adamson's 'cut-and-paste' approach. He doesn't stick with any characters. It's as if he made four different movies and just fused them into one by shooting some linking exposition with John Carradine for a day.

For one, there are the tribesmen. We never really get to know any of them. We hear some names, but they're so indistinct. So when they're doing things, like facing off with lobstermen, bat-monkeys, and snake vampires, it's very difficult to care or figure out what's even going on. I don't know why most of what's going on is going on or who most of these people are.

It doesn't help that Adamson gives multiple explanations for what's going on. At first we're told, by a vampire on earth who is never seen or heard from again, that vampires exist to those who believe in vampires, but if you don't believe, they might get you anyway. Then we're told the vampires are created by something called 'chromatic radiation.' Why chromatic? Because it tints the black-and-white filmstock Adamson had to resort to when he ran out of colour one of red, blue, green, or yellow. Then we're told by John Carradine that actually it's a virus that's turned the atmosphere colours and that this virus has caused there to be mutant vampires.

I find myself strangely, perhaps inexplicably, charmed by the movie, even though I must say it's boring. Shall I go through the litany again? Dinosaurs, lobstermen, snake vampires, bat-monkeys, sexy tribal girls, and futuresex. Oh, and John Carradine, giving a good performance as the ornery, egomaniacal doctor who discovered the new solar system.

Fiend (1980)

An evil spirit, represented by an animated blob of red light, possesses the corpse of a music professor and wine lover, Mr. Longfellow. The spirit's master plan is to move into the suburbs, teach music, and drink lots of wine. However, to keep from decaying, a steady diet of the lifeforce of others is necessary.

Are you seeing the major flaw already? "The spirit's master plan is to move into the suburbs, teach music, and drink lots of wine." Yeah, so the spirit's motives don't make a lot of sense, but it does have to kill and that's all that matters, I suppose.

Longfellow's next-door neighbour, an utterly normal man with an awful 'stache, doesn't like Longfellow, because he's always playing music. He soon starts to suspect Longfellow is hiding something and that he may be involved in the recent string of strangulations terrifying the county. Unfortunately, his wife thinks he's just holding a grudge over the music thing and isn't very supportive.

I kind of liked this movie. It's obviously shot on a very low budget, the acting is a bit dopey, and the story doesn't make much sense. However, the characters are all fun and real. The hero and his wife are such normal people, who talk like real, average people, have the same sorts of interests, conversations, thoughts, arguments, looks, etc.. Longfellow, on the other hand, is a snobby bastard who oozes contempt for other people; he's only pleased when he's alone, listening to music and drinking wine. He seems bored with the rest of the world and merely has to endure the other beings that exist within it. Would you be surprised to learn he's a cat-person? Egotistical, evil bastards always love cats.

There isn't a lot of suspense for a horror movie, though, because Longfellow pretty much just walks up to people and overpowers them Tor Johnson-style. There are only two moments that go for real suspense, and only one of the works, that being the climax, when the neighbour's wife is in peril. Yeah, it's kinda predictable.

Fiend is a pretty good effort for its z-movie budget, with some odd characters to enjoy. It's not a cheesefest by any stretch, not the crazy antics you've come to expect from Baltimore thanks to John Waters. It comes closest in tone to Bob Clark than anyone else.

Sorority House Vampires from Hell (1998)

Hey! It's the '90s again! If you didn't like the '90s, not a chance you'll like Sorority House Vampires from Hell, because it's steeped in '90s. Bimbos, 90210 references, Keanu Reeves references, surfer-speak. The filmmaker, Geoffrey de Vallois, much like his name, draws upon European influences to craft a catalogue of the phenomena of his age, showing the social awareness of the French New Wave.

So, as you might guess, this is a Buffy cash-in, except in this film the blond, ditzy heroine is named--oh no, wait, she's named "Buffy" too. The plot is that there's this demon in a UFO. I didn't know he was a demon until I read the back of the box. But he's a demon. In a bold move, the filmmaker only shows us the inside of the UFO, showing his film is all about what's beyond the surface. Wanna see the inside of the ship? http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2658/4085492994_1babc0c33f.jpg Those CGI tentacles are the demon, I guess. And I forgot to mention the UFO is full of busty, naked chicks who sometimes dance and sometimes get penetrated by the CGI tentacles. It's good to be a UFO demon.

And this demon's plan for world domination is to awake the only two vampires on earth, Vlad and Natalia. Vlad is the comic relief and mostly does accident-prone slapstick in a single room. Natalia is a scrawny, pale broad who makes zombies by biting people on the neck. She has to make nine zombies before some comet passes, she tells us.
Here's Natalia: http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2548/4085493036_ce66c3dbbd.jpg

So Natalia begins gradually turning the busty, fit sorority girls into zombies one-by-one while inside the sorority house some lame hazing commences. The hazing sequences parallel the efforts of Natalia in cinematic rhymes making one wonder, "Who are the vampires in this world really? Do we not suck self-esteem from one another to build up ourselves?"

The runtime is a full 90 minutes, so it's padded out with a lot of wacky comedy. Like rednecks with laser guns trying to shoot a man wearing antlers.
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2731/4084733973_d7cf7795a5.jpg
An impromptu fashion show.
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2681/4085492906_3e89ed0b88.jpg
An impromptu infomercial. An impromptu music video. Subtitles, self-conscious references to subtitles, surfer dudes who speak so righteously jargon-heavy they require said bogus subtitles, an over-the-top New Ager who, naturally, is also a vegetarian and environmentalist and who gets in a lengthy conversation about the value of religion with Natalia. And, strangest of all, many references to the current economic state of the US in 1998. de Vallois's social consciousness is clearly doing for American cinema what Godard was doing for French cinema with his Dziga-Vertov Group films of the '60s; he is calling for revolutionary action, by comparing his vampire queen to the profiteering oil companies sucking our earth dry.

There are also lots of penguin plushes:
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2696/4084734029_0793f9e0ba.jpg
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2557/4084734045_6049633722.jpg
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2596/4085492974_03bd9e5aab.jpg - Me too.

The film culminates with Buffy, whose total lack of expressive powers reveal her to be the doom-filled personification of this generation's indifference, attacks the vampire queen who has already killed Vlad herself and become human again and the UFO demon turning to his back-up plan of Y2K.

You know what the problem is with a lot of these ZANY shot-on-video releases? It's not the production values or the amateur actors and directors. It's that it's generally a bunch of people together amusing themselves by making a movie, but not worrying at all about amusing the audience.

Sorority House Vampires from Hell looks like it was a lot of fun to make, but it's not really all that fun to watch. It made me laugh in a few places, only twice with well-earned jokes (one involving a Monty Python reference, oddly enough). This is toward the end of the film, when they've built up some steam and in-jokes. But mostly the zany, anything-goes approach is tedious. I have to admit they found some pretty cute girls with nice tits, though. Not that it helps much. This film is way too tongue-in-cheek for its own good.

And I leave you with this:
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2441/4084733997_8ab33b0145.jpg - Here the director has symbolically removed the tops of his actresses' heads, making a point about the mindlessness of youth. His care to keep the soft, be-pantied rump and purple-bra-cupped breasts in shot reveal much about his cinematic style.

The Mad Love Life of a Hot Vampire & The Horny Vampire

For some reason I decided to watch two of Steckler's porn films. Well, if most of Steckler's films feel like accomplished home movies, this feels pretty much like an accomplished private sex tape. Given the general quality of home sex tapes, 'accomplished' here just means there is editing.

Yes, I've been kind to Steckler lately, but there's not much good to say about these films. None of his characteristic cinematography is on display. He seemed to have only a single light. The colours have a very brown, wash-out look, just like in Manos: The Hands of Fate. The acting is quite beyond atrocious.

The Mad Love Life of a Hot Vampire is about an overweight Dracula who decides he wants to make love and not war, as he tells us against a black background that of course symbolizes Thanatos as opposed to Eros. He therefore commands his three servant girls who are, oh, how should we say, very natural women--natural to the point that their vulvas, on this terrible film stock, look like wounds--to have lots of sex, right there, in front of him. This of course symbolizes society's overemphasis on sex in today's culture. So they lick at each other a bit in the most unerotic lesbian sex that has ever occurred on film. And another one blows Dracula's hunchback servant Igor, who stays in character throughout the whole blowjob! This scene is randomly interrupted by cut-aways to Dracula making lascivious utterance and Carolyn Brandt saying stuff like, "Dracula is groovy." What does that have to do with anything? And then she divorced Steckler.

Dracula sends his servant girls out as prostitutes to gather blood from their customers. More unerotic sex ensues, because to get this blood, they apparently have to let the customers bang them until it's time for the oral cumshot, at which point they bite and suck blood. How erotic. Then they bring the cummy blood back to Dracula to drink.

Meanwhile, Van Helsing has been talking to a porn star and her boyfriend in her living room and they decide Dracula must pay. So they show up on the nearby set of Dracula's lair and an awkward fight occurs.

It's all very hairy, flabby, washed-out, unerotic, and effortless.


The Horny Vampire is about Dracula's nephew, who is very camp and wants to experience sex. He struts around in broad daylight wearing a Wal Mart Dracula costume, with a little sex manual, trying to pick up women. In each case, he's intercepted by the well-meaning Dracula, who bangs the girl instead, while giving bizarre pointers to his nephew in voiceover, like, "And now I pleasure her love garden." And my favourite, "Let her taste the green hot juice of love." Yep. It ends with this vampire, overcome with melancholia, telling his penis he'll try again. He's not one to give-up. This little vampire man is the brooding personification of sexual angst in the new era of female liberation.

It actually contains a few Steckleresque things: lengthy walking shots on Las Vegas streets and goofy attempts at comedy. But it's a sad, sad viewing experience.

Let's hear what Count Floyd has to say: "Ohhh, isn't that scary, boys and girls? Hairy balls the size of your TV screen flopping away and those huge, hairy vaginas. Ohhhhh, I was scared, boys and girls. Aaaaoooooooo!"

So they're both very bad films. You might think the sex has sort of taken the place of the random documentary footage Steckler shoots in his other films, but no. He doesn't even try to make a real film around the sex here. Even the shooting is bad.

The Black Cat (1968)

The Black Cat is a love story. A vampire story. A ghost story. A samurai story. A family drama. A tragedy. A morality tale. It is emotionally and psychologically complex, but narrativistically simple.

A beautiful young woman and her mother-in-law are raped and murdered by a group of samurai. They sell their souls to 'the evil gods' in exchange for revenge: eternal blood-thirst for all samurai. The husband of the young woman got lucky and killed an enemy general, earning him instant promotion to samurai. The myriad conflicts that ensues you'll have to watch to see.

Japanese horror of the '60s had a fixation on several elements that are instantly recognizable: 1. Samurai. 2. Morality tales. 3. Raped women. 4. Vengeful, life-sucking ghosts. 5. Exquisite cinematography. I've only seen three myself, Kwaidan, Ugetsu (which isn't quite a horror film), and The Black Cat. While Kwaidan is the most beautiful visually, it achieves this with glacial pace. You wouldn't think short, anthologized stories could move so slowly. Ugetsu has the greatest story and the strongest impact with its morally complex vision. But The Black Cat is the best out and out horror film with the superior kinetics.

The Black Cat can only be described as choreographed. It's like a ballet with the celluloid as the stage. Every element of movement is controlled: the women somersaulting through the air, the fog in the wind, the samurai's blade. Disorienting jump-cuts accompany the highly mobile evil spirits whenever they're fighting, giving them a much more vital feel than the actually living people. Their vitality is their hatred. Where emotions like greed or ambition are self-serving, love and hate are purely other-directed. They expend all one's energy. In The Black Cat they are pitted against one another.

This is a gorgeous example of the fine era of Japanese fantastique cinema, to be watched alongside Onibaba, Woman in the Dunes, Kwaidan and even Ugetsu as an equal.

Dracula's Daughter (1936)

For this review, I'm simply going to describe the characters.

- The countess is a complicated character. She initially seems sympathetic, with a strong desire to be a normal woman again. As she goes about trying to become human, she is selfish and petulant, putting the lives of others at risk and become annoyed when her will is not obeyed. She is a manipulator. Yet, she genuinely does want to stop killing others and to be normal; her urgency is in earnest.

- Sandor is a foil to the Countess. While she wants to be a human, he wants to be immortal. It's kind of amusing how he foreshadows the goth subculture of hte '80s, with his greased-black hair, dark lipstick, thick eyeliner, all black clothing, and general talk about 'death' and 'darkness'. The actor is actually a rather handsome fellow, but he's damn creepy as Sandor, particularly when he's introduced at the burning of Dracula's body on this lovely, foggy, chiarascuro studio set. His hopes and dreams are dependent on the Countess not achieving hers, which is a source of much dramatic tension. If she becomes human, he can never be immortal. But since she despises being a vampire, she certainly has no interest in bestowing it on others. He never acts against the countess until the end, but is always pleased when she fails at her goals to be human and tries to discourage her.

- Dracula is an invisible character in the film. The Countess blames all of her troubles on Dracula. She describes it as a voice with such power that it overcomes the grave to call out to her, commanding her to do what she does. Kind of the way Imhotep controls Zita Johanne in The Mummy. The gives way to some discussion about the power of the will. She thought burning Dracula's corpse would free her, but Dracula's spirit lingers, so she seeks to aid of science, hoping it's some sort of hypnotic spell that can be cured.

- Dr. Garth is the doctor to whom the Countess turns for help, and also a friend of Dr. Van Helsing's. Initially her interest in him is as a man of science who can be of service, but soon she's overcome with lust and wants to make him immortal. Her desires are what drive her back to the dark side; she ceases to care about being human. The dark side of love, I suppose? Or childish desire? It seems more juvenile than romantic. At any rate, Dr. Garth is an unusual character for the lead. He is plainly a grumpy man, if very professional. I mean, he makes Harrison Ford's characters seem downright cheerful. He likes things to go very smoothly and is annoyed at the slightest wrinkle in his plans. Like most men of this sort, he is stubborn, won't back down, and a bit volcanic with his temper. Anyway, he has two women in his life now: the Countess and his immature secretary, Esme, who is the daughter of a Baron. While he's lured to the countess for her exoticism, need for him (he likes to feel strong and needed--which is why he resents Esme so much), and apparent maturity, his sparring with Esme is clearly loaded with sexual tension and he cares about her. He's also very dependent on her for just about everything, much to his chagrin. He's a bit of a wanker if you ask me.

- Esme is the well-educated daughter of a Baron who, while unable to get a professional job of her own at the time, is employed as secretary to the doctor. Most of her time is spent locking antlers with him, as she tries to show she's independent and strong and to get his attention. Sadly, he doesn't respect her very much and seems to wish she'd be more dependent on him. The irony is that he can't tie his own tie without her. She's clearly jealous of the Countess' presence in the doctor's life and tries her bestest to get rid of her, until the Countess kidnaps her, forcing the doctor to choose. Funny thing is, the doctor doesn't get to choose. Sandor does that for him. She's pretty much the polar opposite of Sandor, urging the doctor, in her misguided way, towards good.

- Van Helsing, played by the great Edward Van Sloan again, is being tried for the murder of Dracula and Renfield, so he's of very little help in the film. It is more or less structured so that the events involving the Countess serve to exonerate Van Helsing of the murder charge. He's not directly involved in the proceedings.

So there you have it. Dracula's Daughter is very much a character-based story. If you get the psychology of, parallels and relationships between these characters, you see you have a pretty strong and fascinating film on your hands.

Mary, Mary, Bloody Mary (1975)

In between his two most famous films, Mansion of Madness and Alucarda, Moctezuma directed Mary, Mary, Bloody Mary. From the title, one might imagine a Hammer film about the Bloody Mary legend. Not even close. In fact, it might as well be called Mexico's answer to Cronenberg, baring, as it does, many similarities to Rabid. It shares some characteristics with Romero's Martin as well.

The plot concerns an attractive female painter who is overcome with the urge to drink blood. She becomes ill, her body cold, until she drinks. So, with her trusty bladed hairpin, she punctures jugulars and drinks. She meets up with an attractive young man by chance and seem to be living happily together until detectives and a mysterious, masked blood-drinker begin closing in on her.

Elements of sci-fi and mysticism are thrown in and not made much of. For instance, we find out that Mary's problem is that her veins keep growing and will eventually start crushing her brain. Nothing's made of this rather fascinating bit of information. In another scene, Mary waxes poetic over an Aztec goddess and her significance. Again, not much comes out of this, but I suppose the connection is there and some vaguely feminist theme is going on.

Yes, I do think there are themes in this film. It is clever, well-developed, with a decent and powerful ending. It isn't the equal of Cronenberg, but it isn't far off. It is a good movie.

However, my experience of watching the movie was not always enjoyable. I can't say why, but the film infuriated me. I hated most of the characters, everything they did and all the words that poured from their slimy mouths. Every time Mary screamed "Bob" I hoped the masked man would kill her. They are just a frustrating lot of characters. It's possible I wasn't quite in the mood for the film; but then, were the characters genuinely likable they would have won me over.

The Reincarnation of Isabel (1973)

REVIEW
There have been a few films in cinematic history that are known to be two or more films combined. Al Adamson's Blood of Ghastly Horror and Bill Rebanes Monster A Go-Go, for instance. I don't know for sure if The Reincarnation of Isabel is one of those, but if you watch it carefully--like keeping your face close to the microwave to watch your Michelina's Salisbury steak cook--Isabel seems to be quite the patchwork girl.

The plot, so far as I can make out, is about an Italian village nestled in some gorgeous valley, where a possessed witch was burned alive a century or two or three ago. Now a wealthy man has just purchased half of the village's castle and is moving in with his daughter. In the other half of the castle is a sinister-looking scholar and his hunchback assistant. The man throws a party in the castle--there are plenty of rooms--inviting primarily pretty schoolgirls from the girl's school next door, as well as a few normal people. Turns out all of these people in the castle are dopplegangers of the people who killed the witch way back when.

Also, somewhere in the castle--sort of--is the real Isabel, with a huge hole in her chest; and she needs blood to revive. Fortunately, a cult has built up around her, and they're ready to bring her beautiful girls from the party.

Then strange things start happening. Each of the men seems to be a vampire and not a vampire; the girls seem to be dead and then not dead; they're witches, and then not witches; characters are in the past and then they're in the future; and there's a Ron Jeremy look-a-like having sex with two of the schoolgirls that never connects with the rest of the plot. It's just what you're thinking: there's a timewarp in the castle, and there are evil dopplegangers for all the castle's denizens, existing in some place outside of time and space, and...and... no, it's not my fault it's not making sense, it's because this is likely two movies edited together.

Stylistically, there is a lot going on--a lot of sound and fury, possibly. Polselli is trying to out-Bava the master, for one: it's gels-ahoy in this film! In some shots, each character in frame is lit with a different-coloured key light.

Then there's the editing. For anyone who has seen Nicolas Roeg's earliest pictures (Performance, Don't Look Now), the style will be familiar. Moments disconnected in space, possibly in time, are edited together in very quick cuts; sequences that should be fluid are intercut with shots of something apparently unrelated. After seeing the whole film, I still think it's unrelated.

Maybe, just maybe, rewatching this film will yield answers. I'm not sure. It's a conundrum that reminds me in many ways of Mulholland Dr. and INLAND EMPIRE, but without that intuitive knack--and without the brand-name--that Lynch brings, which inspires deeper digging. Another title for this film is Rites, Black Magic and Secret Orgies in the Fourteenth Century, which makes it sound like a scholarly text--something Frances Yates might have written. Perhaps this is a clue to what's really going on in the film. Perhaps it's more ambitious than I'm giving it credit for; but probably not.

Polselli attempts to combine Bava's supernatural films with the sleaziness of, say, Umberto Lenzi, sprinkled with some high-concept plot-points and editing. While I'm not convinced The Reincarnation of Isabel is a masterpiece or even successful overall, I don't regret having watched it. If you don't mind being puzzled, sometimes bored--particularly by the underwhelming scenes of terror--this is a fascinating oddity in the repertoire of '70s Italian horror that might be worth checking out.

FACTS
Director - Renato Polselli
Starring - Mickey Hergitay, Rita Calderoni
1973
98 min.

WHERE TO GET IT
It has been released on DVD by Redemption and is available on NetFlix.

TIDBITS
One of this film's many titles is The Ghastly Orgies of Count Dracula. Actually, the film has nothing at all to do with Dracula and there's not a single orgy to be found, save the threesome with Pseudo-Ron Jeremy.

In the scene in which the Pseudo-Ron Jeremy ravishes the girls, there is a shot that shows one of the girls supposedly talking to him on the bed--the mirror behind her clearly shows a completely different man. Two films merged together or just a mistake?