Horror of the Blood Monsters (1970)

Ground control, which consists entirely of a middle-aged married couple, is having FutureSex using their OrgasmoTron computer: "Sometimes I miss making love the old way," says hubby. Meanwhile, John Carradine is in a spaceship in another solar system that had to land on an Earth-like planet to make repairs. He can't leave the spaceship because he has heart problems (i.e. because Al Adamson couldn't afford him for another day of shooting). His crew, in the meantime, are outside of the spaceship running from dinosaurs, lobstermen, bat-ape hybrids and a tribe of vampiric snakepeople who are waging war with a tribe of primitive humans.

How can a movie so utterly jam-packed with stuff be so boring? I thought it was my fault. I thought, "I must just not be in the mood, because there are lobstermen, dinosaurs, sexy tribal girls, and an orgasm-computer and that all should equal a really entertaining movie." It should. But it doesn't. I'm at a loss to explain it, but I think it has something to do with Al Adamson's 'cut-and-paste' approach. He doesn't stick with any characters. It's as if he made four different movies and just fused them into one by shooting some linking exposition with John Carradine for a day.

For one, there are the tribesmen. We never really get to know any of them. We hear some names, but they're so indistinct. So when they're doing things, like facing off with lobstermen, bat-monkeys, and snake vampires, it's very difficult to care or figure out what's even going on. I don't know why most of what's going on is going on or who most of these people are.

It doesn't help that Adamson gives multiple explanations for what's going on. At first we're told, by a vampire on earth who is never seen or heard from again, that vampires exist to those who believe in vampires, but if you don't believe, they might get you anyway. Then we're told the vampires are created by something called 'chromatic radiation.' Why chromatic? Because it tints the black-and-white filmstock Adamson had to resort to when he ran out of colour one of red, blue, green, or yellow. Then we're told by John Carradine that actually it's a virus that's turned the atmosphere colours and that this virus has caused there to be mutant vampires.

I find myself strangely, perhaps inexplicably, charmed by the movie, even though I must say it's boring. Shall I go through the litany again? Dinosaurs, lobstermen, snake vampires, bat-monkeys, sexy tribal girls, and futuresex. Oh, and John Carradine, giving a good performance as the ornery, egomaniacal doctor who discovered the new solar system.