Vampitheatre (2009) - 0.5/4

Interested by the 1.2/10 rating on imdb and the involvement of Linnea Quigley, I found and watched Christopher Forbes' Vampitheatre, oblivious to the fact that I was signing up to watch a series of music videos for a The Cure-style goth band linked together by an FBI investigation with no dramatic tension whatsoever.

The first five minutes is a very creepy and well-executed setpiece that shocked me. I had been watching the film at my desk; at that moment, I moved to a comfortable chair and turned off the lights, thinking, "This is going to be enjoyable!" I was wrong. The moment I discovered Vampitheatre was really a vehicle for a band called Theatre Peace, I realized there was going to be no staking, no garlic, no crosses, no holy water, and indeed there isn't. There is, however, plenty of music videos and concert footage of Theatre Peace.

The story, if you can call it that, concerns a goth band comprised of real vampires. As they get more attention thanks to being signed by a record label the FBI notices a trail of bodies. This is because the musicians are stupid enough to drain the blood of their few fans instead of the thousands upon thousands of other people in the city. The FBI investigation consists primarily in watching a DVD of their music videos, which we watch with her. There are also interviews with the band members and the manager. There are some tensions between the members, particularly the two lead singers (Christopher Forbes himself and some chick who looks like Tracey Ullman).

It's a very boring film, especially if you don't particularly like the music--and I don't. That's not to say it's bad music. You can tell this is a real band and not one made up for the movie because they're competent and know how to play together. I just don't like that sort of music. It's also very irritating to find that it's more or less a pitch for this Theater Peace band.

The only interesting parts are the few moments Linnea Quigley is on screen as the Queen of the Dead, covered in white grease paint and dubbed with a man's voice, and the beginning five minutes when Christopher Forbes asks a girl if he can kiss her neck--that was spooky. And there's one monologue I liked, "She sucked my dick then I was out cold and I woke up and I had sharp teeth and now play in her band but I don't pay her no attention." Uh-huh.

So if you spot Vampitheatre on the shelves or whatnot, miss it, unless you really like goth music videos. There's nothing wrong with the photography, the acting, or the music; it was all just in need of, oh I dunno, A MOVIE around it!