Upstairs (2009) - 1.5/4

'90s heartthrob Luke Perry costars in Upstairs, a thriller in which he plays a psychotic, uncouth man who takes an apartment at the mansion of a blind woman. The focus of the film is actually on the blind woman, Grace (Kelly Harrison), who rents the place as a means to pay off the mortgage on the mansion she's inherited. Her parents and her eyesight were all lost in a car crash. Perry seems like a nice guy, but he soon starts annoying her with loud music, prostitutes he pays for sadomasochistic games (so screaming), and just being generally creepy by coming into her part of the house and messing with her stuff.

Upstairs is an extremely formulaic film. It is so by-the-numbers that it's really embarrassing to see this film had any writer at all, let alone two screenwriters. If you could make a kit called "Write Your Own Terrorize-a-Blind-Woman Story" Upstairs is precisely what it would produce. Every little detail is mechanically set up for later in a tidy package. For instance, we get a scene of Grace counting her way to the fusebox and sure enough she uses this later to get the advantage of blindness. The whole movie is made up of such moments.

Usually the best part of a terrorize-the-blind-woman movie is the actually terrorizing moments and when she finally decides to get the upper hand. The problem with this film is that Grace is a real bundle of nerves, gittering, always gasping and startled. She's so irritating! As big a jerk as Luke Perry is here, you almost side with him she's such a nuissance. We get it: she's blind. It doesn't mean she's a fricken puppy! She makes so many little gasping and whimpering noises constantly that I wanted to muzzle her. Okay, so maybe that really is supposed to be her character: maybe she's just a jumpy person. But it sure makes her tiresome to be around. The worst thing is, she reminds me of myself in some ways, the way she becomes infuriated by the least inconsiderate behaviour from the tenant and allows it to spoil her day. It's that grey area where he's in his rights but still ought to be more considerate that always infuriates me as an apartment dweller.

The best part of the film is Luke Perry, who is actually extremely creepy as the mannerless psychopath. He just has no sense of shame and that makes him creepy. There's also a little girl, Stella Pejo, who's surprisingly good in her role as Grace's helper/music student. And these cops who become progressively annoyed with Grace's constant calls--they're the most human people in the film. Really, I don't blame them for getting annoyed.

The direction is best described as classy. Robert-Adrian Pejo (any relation to Stella?) directs the utterly trite story with elegance, a certain detached elegance. Why detached? Well, he probably knew how trite the story is himself. Anyhow, if Upstairs passes on television and you have nothing better to do, it's worth leaving on; but don't make an effort to see it.