A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell (1990)

How much should I write about a film with almost no dialogue? I pondered writing the review exclusively in screen captures and emoticons, but the spell of Dinosaur Hell has worn off and I find myself quite literate again.

A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell begins with a very goofy and poorly read introduction that you'll never have to think about during the movie. It explains that dinosaurs mutated from housepets and humans became either mutants or barbarians. The film would have been better off not explaining it; the visuals speak loud and clear and it really requires no explanation. There are dinosaurs and mutants in a hellish, post-apocalyptic landscape populated by sexy barbarians: good enough.

The plot, as it were, arises when an evil barbarian named Glon takes a shine to the female half of a sexy barbarian couple. She's hardly 'nymphoid,' except for being young and beautiful. She's actually very faithful to her man Marn--and not a wonder, as he may be even better-looking than she is. Glon, like anyone who read the title, is convinced she's a nymphoid and is keen on getting it on with her. So he beats up Marn and runs off with girl. Marn sets out to save her. In the meantime, she manages to escape and tries to find Marn with the help of a Masked Stranger. Along the way she encounters cool-looking dinosaurs, lizard people, dragons, and, of course, Glon, who keeps showing up and attempting to rape her. He's a crap rapist; he has to take some lessons from David Hess.

The lack of dialogue doesn't hurt this film at all; if you try to imagine what sort of dialogue would be found in a film called A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell, I think you'll agree. It also adds to the feel of primitivism and allowed me to focus on the pure visual storytelling. I had hoped the visuals would be fascinating and fun or that there would be some moments of quiet wonder, given that the film is set in dinosaur hell and all. As it happens, most of the shots are of fights or of walking across rocky or grassy terrains. The only moment that's really fantastic is when the girl is shown a picture book by the Masked Stranger. It's a children's book, teaching the alphabet. It's a sweet moment, in which the large, innocent eyes of our nymphoid pays off. There's also a funny punchline that I'd rather not ruin for you.

So, on the one hand, A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell is much better than a film called A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell has any right to be; on the other hand, it's also much worse than a film called A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell should be. With that title, it should be wilder, cheesier, crazier. It's a very mellow film that takes its time and passes through the dinosaur hell vistas matter-of-factly. A few striking compositions, the costumes, sets, the Harryhausen-esque creature designs, and general inventiveness recommends it for those who think they can handle barbarian storytelling: this is just what a barbarian story should be.