The Thing Below (2004)

The government's been up to some shenanigans out on the ocean and accidentally set free an ancient, extraterrestrial being from fifty miles beneath the earth's surface. This being says things like, "On the contrary, you are the bastard, for I have been on this planet for two million years, before your species even evolved." Unfortunately for this tentacled critter, a black ops ship captain (Billy Warlock) has just arrived on the oil rig and he says things like, "You bastard, you killed my friends!" Seeing the carnage in the derelict lab, he decides it's time to get the heck out of there before they all become tentaclefood.

Taking a hint from Sphere, I suppose, the tentacle beast can also read minds. Not just your surface thoughts, like in Scanners. No, this thing can scan your entire brain in seconds and figure out exactly what's the best illusion to lure you into its slimy grasp. It doesn't make much sense why some of these people fall into the traps, but, hey... do you smell that? That's the smell of setpieces!

The illusions allow Wynorski to do things that really have nothing to do with the plot. Like an Old West shootout and a sudden striptease moment. I accused Wynorski of not knowing how to make erotic scenes out of beautiful women when I reviewed Cheerleader Massacre. Now I have to eat my words. He shoots an incredible striptease sequence with a babe named Glori-Anne Gilbert. I also applauded Wynorski for only using all-natural ladies in Cheerleader Massacre. Gilbert's breasts are silicon torpedoes; ah well, can't have everything. One has to admire the sheer ingenuity with which T&A was brought into a plot and setting that doesn't really leave any room for disrobing.

Along with the illusions, there is also a subplot involving a general whose "ass is on the line here!" and loads of flashbacks. Wynorski went flashback crazy. Together, this leaves the plain narrative fractured, or like a clothesline to hang all these disconnected moments on, making the film feel a little Al Adamson-esque.

The CGI tentacles didn't bother me; I don't mind CGI. In this case, the CGI yields some creepy tentacle-coming-out-of-human imagery in the first ten minutes of the film; the rest of the film, however, gives up on this altogether.

The Thing Below is a pretty decent sea monster picture. I liked the setpieces, especially the striptease sequence. One wonders why the monster doesn't just kill these people once they're isolated, instead of providing a sexy, three-minute striptease. But I'm not complaining. It's supposed to be fun, and it succeeds in being so well-enough.